On September 11, 2001, my brother, as part of his normal morning schedule, was at the World Trade Center. I won’t rehash the events of this sad and all-too-familiar day, but I will quickly state that my brother had already left the WTC prior to the attack. However, I did not know for almost three hours that he was not one of those buried in the rubble. The range of responses to my understandably fearful concern was from one extreme to the other. My least favorite was: “Well, you just need to trust God. If you’re worried, you’re not showing any trust in God.”
Though, in essence, they carried truth, as those words touched my ears, their tone of invalidation painfully pierced my anxious heart.
A few years ago, my father quite suddenly had a quintuple bypass and open-heart surgery to replace a valve that was all but useless. The prayers, encouragement, and help our family received at that time were blessings too great to number.
But in their desire to comfort and calm my own heart as I awaited news (in another state) throughout his surgery, people would say, “Oh, just remember that they do thousands of these surgeries every day across America.” While that was a true statement, I kept thinking—and sometimes replied—”But they don’t do this to my father every day.” And for some reason—totally unintentionally on their part—their words seemed to invalidate the concern I was feeling, and they brought me little if any comfort.
Recently, I had a difficult day and shared that, in a moment of exasperation, with a friend: “It’s been a yucky day.” Her invalidating reply was, “You think YOU had a yucky day, try living MY life!” Yes, this friend’s difficulties have been and continue to be burdensome, and no, I should not have been whining. Yet I simply sought verifying validation that my pain, struggles, and problems were real—to me. More importantly, I simply sought an understanding and listening ear—even if only for a moment.
These three real-life, personal illustrations are not shared to seek your pity or response to any of them. Instead, I wrote them out for my own benefit. On this day, Valentine’s Day, our thoughts are on love, relationships, friendships, and a desire to demonstrate our care for others. Yet a major element of love is validating the needs, concerns, desires, cares, and interests of the ones we love. During my father’s time in the ICU at the hospital, the hospital would “validate” my parking stub as a way of showing that what I was doing—being there to provide support for a loved one—was important. It mattered. And because it mattered, they were willing to forego the standard parking fees.
How much greater should be my desire to validate the needs, concerns, and joys of others through a listening ear, a kind word, or a note that says that I care, that I understand, that I’m praying for them on a day or during a time that might be extra difficult, or simply that they matter.
The gift of validation doesn’t just apply to romantic love. It applies to all the “one anothers” that are the objects of the command to “love one another.” As we celebrate love, friendships, and relationships today, I sincerely pray that we will include the quietly powerful gift of validation.
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