My friend and spiritual mentor, Tami, once gave me a list of thirty-eight things to look for in a possible mate. Yes, you read that right: thirty-eight. I wrote the list—in quite tiny print, in order to fit it all on one page—in the back of my Bible and prayed over it and about it with ritualistic consistency.
My precious mother, my lifelong spiritual mentor both in word and by example—even through failures, both hers and mine—saw it and laughed. That’s right. She laughed. And then she proceeded to give me the list of four questions God used for her to respond favorably to my father’s pursuits (and yes, sweet sister-friends, he pursued her):
1. Is he a believer who is attempting, even through failed attempts, to follow Christ? [If the answer to this question is no, do not pass “Go,” do not collect two hundred dollars, and do not continue in the relationship. Someone will be the spiritual leader in the home, and if the answer to this is no, it won’t be him.]
2. Do I love him?
3. Do I respect him?
4. Do I like him?
When I looked puzzled by the simplicity of her list, she added that the fourth question was perhaps one of the most important. And as I began to stack my many failed, short-term, shallow relationships up against this standard, it made sense to me.
Your personality might be different from mine, but I can pretty much choose to love just about anyone. Perhaps it’s the positivity focus I choose to feed or the fact that I know that it’s a biblical command to “love one another,” but I find it quite easy to love.
Liking someone is completely different for me. In fact, this applies to my friendships with other women as well. I love them dearly, but liking them—truly liking who they are and what they do and wanting to spend time with them because of it—is often a deal breaker for me. I’ve stated before that my friendships are vast and broad in their scope and their reach, but they do not run deep. I’ve come to the realization that my ability to truly like a person—whether in a basic friendship with a male or female or in a dating relationship with a man who is initiating forward progress—is what makes the difference.
No, you won’t like everything that person does, but you will like the fact that he or she stands back up after falling, the fact that he or she laughs at your ridiculously lame jokes, the fact that this person is interested in things you care about even if he or she is not interested in those same things, the character quality in him or her that shows up right when someone needs it, and the list goes on. In actuality, it’s not even so much about liking what the person does but about liking who the person is—as a person!
Maybe I’m just thinking “out loud” today, or maybe my transparently shared thoughts will help someone who is deciding whether or not to cross the bridge into Relationship Land this Valentine’s week, but let me encourage you, dear friend, to go beyond love and truly like the other person—whether in friendships, relationships, or in your long-established marriage.
Though I often hate to admit it, this time, I’m glad I can: Mother knows best! And while I still haven’t stopped longing to hear the three words, “I love you,” from God’s chosen person in God’s chosen time, I think I equally long to be able to reply in kind, followed by the additional words, “and I like you too!”
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