Dear Grandma,

How can I give order to my life—actually, my life and my mate’s life—[in a situation] where I am the caregiver, and my mate is the one I am attempting to give care to. How should my days look so that I can go to bed in relative peace each night and wake to meet each day with confidence, avoiding exhaustion, etc.?

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Grandma says:

While I am certainly not a caregiver expert after caring three years for my husband, I learned a lot in those years, and the principles can surely be applied by other caregivers.

Your sense of order will depend on the amount of care your mate needs. If your mate is able to sleep in his or her own bed, eat meals with you, perform a few routine tasks, and at least have input into financial decisions, you should be able to plan your days, eliminating less important chores. This could include things like extra cleaning or doing things by hand, such as hand wash. Of course, sometimes the things you eliminate will be lunch out or a Bible study with a friend.

As a personal example of this: for about thirty years I made sourdough bread. It was a lengthy process, but the results were worth it! However, in recent years, the times when I needed to knead the dough, roll it out, or bake it seemed to clash with the times I needed to assist my husband. At that point, the sourdough bread became history—with no lingering regrets.

If your mate is restricted to a recliner, can no longer eat at the table with you, and needs assistance with normal everyday functions, your days will need to be planned with the knowledge that everything must be flexible. Though you are longing for a sense of order, you must keep calm when that order is disturbed. If your mate is bedridden and needs a great deal of assistance, he or she takes priority over everything in your day—and yes, also your night. Your house and its needs will likely be there in the future, but your mate will not.

Very early I made a decision that I would care for my husband in the same way that I would care for my Lord if He were my patient. I could go to bed exhausted but with a sense of having given my best that day. I could sleep well—though sometimes with several interruptions—but I would awaken eager to see what the Lord had for us each day.

When caring for my husband became a two-person job, our youngest daughter moved into our home to co-labor with me. For that I was always be grateful. So let me encourage you to accept assistance from family, friends, and/or other outside resources (such as a nursing home facility).

Here are a few simple things that can help to add order to your day:

• Cook in quantity and freeze meal-appropriate amounts.
• Accept help when it is offered. (Usually this involves someone offering to bring you a meal.)
• Learn to like soup! Having soup on hand is a great help, because it can simply be warmed up whenever it’s needed.
• Allow friends or volunteers to pick up things for you when they’re at the store.
• Play soft, calming, instrumental music in the background of the room that you and/or your patient are in most often.
• Take time now to prepare a list of your spouse’s medications (needed for doctor visits, hospital emergencies, 911 calls, etc.).
• Have a list of emergency contacts and their phone numbers near your phone.
• Keep a to-do list in a central location for things you think of now but can’t get to until later.
• Ask your spouse what things are of concern to him or her, and make certain that those things are cared for in a way, time, and manner that set his or her mind at ease.

Care for your loved one so that you have no regrets. When you do, the peace the passes all understanding will be yours. First Corinthians 10:13 (NKJV) tells us: “No temptation [trial] has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted [tried] beyond what you are able, but with the temptation [trial] will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”

With love,

Grandma

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