“Some people take longer to grieve than others.” Over the past twenty months (since Joe and I were married), I have heard this truth spoken on numerous occasions. Notice: it is a truth—a truth that I not only believe and defend but a truth that both encompasses and ignites a multitude of actions and reactions.
I have been the recipient of the words, and I have been the originator of the words.
I have been comforted by the graciousness that accompanied them, and, at times, I have found the pointed anger behind them to be offensive.
On two different occasions, Joe and I recently shared our “story” with someone, recalling God’s leading us together—much to our surprise and in a timing and way directed by God—following the death of his first wife. In both cases, their response to our joy surprised us: “We were very upset when one of our parents chose to remarry a few years following the death of the spouse. [Specifics withheld for obvious reasons.] After all, it just takes some people longer to grieve than others, and we are still grieving.”
That’s when the reality of what I already knew and believed hit me as if for the first time: it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Grief and joy can peacefully coexist. The depth, duration, demonstration, and dynamics of both will vary between individuals. However, it is never beneficial to attempt a comparison based on your own experience, because grief and joy are like snowflakes: never the same twice, yet able to join together to create a beauty designed by God.
To imply—via a reply—that joy is absent because grief is still present seems to indicate that it’s “all or nothin’.”
We have faced those who even after twenty months are, quite honestly, unkind and unwelcoming to me as Joe’s “new” spouse—some to the point of not speaking to me or of not participating in events because I would be there. Yes. That is truth. No. I do not share this in anger. I share it, after many months of prayer over this post (and with Joe’s approval), hoping that others will not have to walk this path when faced with the already difficult (but exciting) path of being a “second spouse.”
In the midst of a tear-filled phone call one day when I could contain the hurt no longer, one of my sisters wisely shared with me that those individuals most likely feel that to love me would be to betray their friend Betty (Joe’s late wife). Yet, she was my friend also. To hurt me is not to love Betty more; it is to betray the very principles of godliness and graciousness that she desired to live out during her time on earth. It is to betray her love for me as her friend and for Joe as the man to whom she pledged her love and trust for all the days of her life. It is to deny Joe and me the peaceful coexistence of grief and joy that we both feel—for numerous individuals.
There is room to love while feeling the very real and ever-present grief of loss.
When’s Joe’s precious daughter welcomes me into the family with kindness and love, it is not because I have “replaced” her mom or even her love for her mom. It is because she allows grief and joy to coexist. (And I love her bunches for this godly response!)
Christ wept over the loss of His dear friend (see John 11:35). His grief was real, public, and heartfelt. But it contained hope. And hope produces joy.
Our joy as a couple does not eliminate memories of great times. It does not alter or negate the existence of the past. It does, however, allow us to move forward. And in moving forward, we find comfort in the truths of Psalm 30:11–12 (ESV):
“You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!”
I don’t know what or whom you are grieving today. You may grieve for many years to come. Go ahead and grieve. Grieve privately while pouring out your heart to God. Grieve publicly—not for personal attention but for the purpose of allowing others to help bear your burden. But in the midst of your grief, keep moving forward. Seek others you can care about, comfort, encourage, and love.
Focus on the joy that God longs for you to experience as evidence of His grace.
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