Dear Grandma,

As a mom, how can I best help and guide [my daughters] through life’s hurts and disappointments while remaining positive myself?

Thank you!

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Grandma says:

Each child responds to hurts and disappointments in his or her own way: one might respond with shrugged shoulders and a “so-what” attitude; another may have a crushed spirit and be certain that things will never be the same again. One child may share with you what happened and seek advice regarding the proper response; another might clam up and require you to use skillful and wise questioning to learn what the problem is.

The earthly parents of our Lord Jesus Christ were challenged to care for Him in diverse and challenging ways. When He was only two years old, His parents were subservient to a king who wanted to kill their son Jesus. They sought refuge in Egypt. (Suggested reading: Matthew 2:12–15.) When Jesus was twelve, they were challenged to retrace their steps to find Him when He was asking questions of the wise spiritual leaders in the temple. (Suggested reading: Luke 2:42–50.)

“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52, NIV).

Your daughters are also growing in all four of these areas: mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. You, as parents, want your children to be well-balanced adults. Disappointments are part of the growing process—yes, even for adults. Do not try to solve the disappointments and hurts yourself. It is hard to see your children hurting. But part of growing up is problem solving. You may need to give your children the gift of failure to help them realize that wrong choices bring scars. In the midst of this, they also need to know that you love them unconditionally. Even when they make a wrong choice, you must still love them, accept them, help them, and encourage them.

Seeing you deal with challenges is their greatest teacher. What you value most will determine how you handle the challenges that come your way. Do you most value financial gain, social acceptance, being admired, or honoring the Lord? Your children are aware of your answer!

I would like to recommend two books. If your daughters are preteen, Shepherding a Child’s Heart (by Tedd Tripp) is an excellent basic book on raising children from a Christian perspective. If they are teens, add Age of Opportunity (by Paul David Tripp). My dear husband highly recommended both of these books. He would always defend teens when parents or anyone would put them down. Perhaps this spirit of not belittling teens was why even when he was confined to bed in his final months, he enjoyed several visits from various young people.

As often as possible, allow your daughters to have friends in your home. This will help to prevent many hurts and disappointments by allowing you to interact with them and be a part of their world. You can do this by playing table games, learning about their interests, and sharing experiences with them. They will leave knowing that your home is a caring and friendly place. Many hurts can be eliminated when the home is a haven.

When there is a confrontation between your child and another, be certain that your child is willing to forgive. (This is an important lesson to teach your daughters.) Pray for that individual. Make sure that your daughter knows that she can come and talk to you about her hurts. Realize as her mom that when you give the other person to the Lord, you can help your daughter to feel confident, regardless of how she is treated by others.

The calm in your spirit as you surrender your own hurts to the Lord will be reflected in your children’s response.

With love,

Grandma (Lorraine)

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